Dear Reader
s:
I wrote ‘A Wife Is A Terrible Thing To Waste’ for men like me – I am married to a contentious woman whom I love dearly. What is a contentious woman? Well, a few thousand years ago, Solomon described the life of her husband.
Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (Proverbs 21:9)
Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. (Proverbs 21:19)
A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. (Proverbs 27:15)
I remember reading those Proverbs when I was much younger, and I determined then that I would avoid a contentious bride at all costs. When I was dating my bride to be, I consciously assessed the risk that she would be contentious after we were married, and I concluded, with a high level of confidence, that the risk was exceedingly low. With that hurdle out of the way, we got married.
Soon after our honeymoon, I began to observe unmistakable signs of contentious behaviors, and their frequency increased with time. For the first 6 months, she was contentious approximately once each month, then twice each month, then weekly, then twice each week, then daily, and finally multiple times each day. Often, she would be contentious from the time that she opened her eyes in the morning until she closed them at night. Sometimes, she would awake in the middle of the night, wake me to quarrel about something or the other, and then go back to sleep.
Initially, I was amused at her outbursts. Then alarmed and concerned about the increasingly frequent complaints, criticisms and loud arguments. When their frequency reached daily, it began to drain my energy and motivation. I found that I could no longer do household or yard chores and had to hire others to do what I used to do. My every suggestion or idea would be ridiculed and I would be discouraged to the point of not even trying.
I read everything that I could about improving my marriage and followed the recommendations. I also attended and participated in marriage counselling sessions with her, but nothing changed. The counsellors’ methods assumed a more compliant wife, and did not address the issues faced by men with contentious wives. You have to be married to one to understand what we go through.
I began breaking emotionally under the load of continual contentious criticism and loud arguments, and I lost a considerable amount of weight. I visited my doctor who declared that my measurements were off of his Body-Mass Index chart. He did tests for a diverse range of diseases, all of which came back negative. I began to feel that I was hovering near the edge of my life, and began to put my house in order. Then, in a moment of clarity I saw a path out of my depressed state.
I followed the path to happiness and contentment with my angry and contentious wife, and can finally tick “happily married” on those marriage surveys. I am now wildly in love, and happily contented with my contentious wife, and she has responded by struggling to change her contentious nature – which I encourage. Admittedly, I struggled with accepting and implementing each step but my stubbornness only delayed my happiness.
If you are contemplating divorce, or have resigned to a lifetime sentence of marital unhappiness, then congratulations, the key to your deliverance is within your reach. Let me show you the way out of your apathetic disillusionment in about 30 days – and maybe even sooner. The book can be purchased below from Amazon.com here.
I have camouflaged the cover since few men would want to leave a book with this title laying around for his wife to see. If you have already read the book, then this is a forum where you can share your experiences so that other men, and their families, can benefit. Please read the comments from other satisfied husbands and wives below (I do not delete unfavorable comments) – you are also welcome to leave a comment to let me know of your experience. So far, all readers who commented have reported satisfaction, even those with wives far less contentious than my own.
Important: Please read our Privacy Policy and Terms and Conditions prior to posting.
Sincerely,
Mr X
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A WIFE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE 
Mr X. Thank you for saving my life and my marriage.
You’re welcome Doug.
I do not know where you got these solutions but they work perfectly. The secret to a womans’ heart is to listen to what she is complaining about and do the best you can.
Well, it’s a bit mre than that, but that is an essential step.
Thank you mr x for helping me and my wife. Everything is changed for us quickly.
You are welcome BH.
Dear Mr X, My husband read your book. I was at home when it came in the mail and 3 day later, he transformed into the loving and energetic man I married. He hid it, and when he was out, I read it. I do not consider myself contentious, but we do have our disagreements. Thank you for changing my husband.
You are welcome, but he changed himself. I only pointed to the same path that I followed. I have not discussed the contents with women, but I am interested in your responses to the following questions. Of course, I am assuming that he followed the principal steps.
1. When your husband told you that he was only doing the things that he could afford to do, how did you feel?
2. When your husband just walked away when you started a shouting argument, how did that make you feel?
Thanks in advance.
1. I was angry and let him have it. But strangely inside I felt quietly secure that was now ready to be a leader in our house.
2. At first I felt disrespected, but after 3 days of him just walking out of the house, it made no sense shouting with myself, and I have not shouted at him since.
Mr X. My wife is nowhere near as contentious as what you have described in your book. I thought they only existed in the movies. However your steps have greatly improved my marriage. Thanks.
You’re welcome Randy.
This book is hilarious. X is a funny guy, but his stuff worked. Just walk away LOL.
Thanks Randy. I would appreciate reading about your wife’s reaction when you followed the steps.
She’s still bitchin, but I love her.
Thank you Mister X. It worked out for me also. Any man who divorces his wife has made a terrible decision. The marriage can be restored for free, well, the cost of the book.
Hey Alan. I must agree with you. The steps are so easy to do, I only wish I had read this book earlier. We did not divorce, but our marriage sucked big time for 12 long years. Thanks x.
You’re welcome IG & Alan. Having followed this path, I am fully convinced that that divorce is both unnecessary and a waste of a wife.
Hi Mr X. Like the other wives, I want to thank you for your book which completely changed my husband. If you need publicity for your book, you can use me in an ad.
Thanks Renee. I may take you up on that.
Mr X you set me free. The ‘Just do your best’ chapter did it for me. I tried for so long to make her happy and just got into more debt, but no more. Thank you Sir.
You are welcome Andrew. How did she respond when you explained that you will only do what you can afford?
This is the best book I have ever read. My wife responded just like you said she would. I am actually crying writing this because I know my marriage was over for a long time. Thank you man.
You are welcome AJ. We were all in the same boat and I am probably as thankful as you are.
My wife put your book in the passenger seat of my car and left to visit her mother for a few days. I didnt think she would be back because we argue all the time. Your book opened my eyes and she came back to a changed man.. Thank you
You’re welcome Jerry. Did she ever leave books lying around for you to read before?
Yes but I never read them since they were too long. Yours was a perfect size and very easy to read.
It worked for me too, but the book was too short. Let me know when you write another. I will send you my e-mail address.
I agree. The book was too short. But I cannot think of what else he could have put in it.
Dan & GH, the book had to be short otherwise, it would probably have not have gotten read. I do not like to read long books – I suppose only academics do.
You did not talk about mother in-laws. My wife argues less and respects me more, but the mother in law is the same old bat. Maybe I should give her husband the book, poor guy.
I wrote the book for men with contentious wives. I have no experience with contentious in-laws, but Dobson, Smalley, Jakes etc address it in their books.
Dear Mister X. I want to thank you for completely transforming my husband from an apathetic sloth to a loving and helpful man. Your methods are the best kept secret for married couples. Have you considered an audio book?
Dear Astrid, I think that the book is too short to be an effective audio book. Also, the tools in the book lend it to be read. I hope that you treat him well.
Mr X. You have changed our marriage. I don’t think that I will ever have to masturbate again.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You’re welcome. Was your wife initially offended that you were reading a book that identified her as contentious?
Mr X. You do not know how much you have helped me. The stress and time associated with dealing with my contentious wife is gone, and I have so much time and clarity to focus on my business it has really taken off. I have benefitted so much, and I did not even pay for your book, it was given to me by a friend who knew what I was going through. I want to thank you in a tangible way. Do you have a favourite charity that I can donate to?
Now that I am no longer stressed by my contentious wife, I am able to recognise desperate needs. Perhaps the most presssing need is the forced sex slave trade. You can read ‘Half the Sky’ and assist where you can.
Thank you for the laughs and the methods which worked. I needed Step 8 since I was unfaithful. Thanks to you, the severed trust has been restored by positioning myself to be forgiven.
You’re welcome Pierce. I am interested in how long it took for your wife to forgive you after you positioned yourself in a place to be forgiven?
Just 1 day. Seems she was just waiting on me to hate what I did to us and tell her.
My first impression was b*** S***. But I followed each step and now, a miracle has happened and I have a new life. Thanks.
You’re welcome Eric.
X-man, that is the best value for money. It is not only an entertaining read, but the steps are easy, they cost nothing, and they work. Thank you.
The book was great. I learnt so much about myself and my wife. The steps were simple to follow, and more importantly, each of them worked. Every man with a quarrelsome wife needs to read this book and get permanent relief fast.
Mr X. I am just stopping by to thank you. My husband of 4 years and I were sick of eachother and our dead end marriage. I started secretly looking for a way out, then he just changed. Not gradually but quickly. I thought that it was an act, but he has transformed into a better man than the one I married. You have a gift.
I bought the book for my husband because I needed a miracle. But I thought that your 30 day guarantee was a bit ambitious. It took him a week before he read it, and he finished in one hour. He changed immediately, and I am learning to hold by criticisms. I think that women can benefit by reading your book by getting a look at what they look like through their husband’s eyes. Thank you.
I will try your method Robin, cause either this pathetic slob changes or I walk. I am at the end of my rope with this loser.
It did not work. This guy is a fraud. Don’t fall for the S*** that he is peddling.
@Freddie
After suffering a frustrated and painful existence with my bitter, angry and always complaining wife, I am cautious in giving any sort of advice to married men. But now that I am on the happy side of life, I must ask you Freddie, did you do any of the steps. It is fool proof man. It is impossible to fail. X wants to know your wife’s reaction, but I want to know if you even took Step 1.
Women don’t like men to follow a formula (step-by-step process) designed to control their behavior. They pick up on it very quickly … and find it very offensive. So perhaps Freddie is missing an important component or two … like love and understanding. In my experience, women are not “contentious” for no reason. It’s usually the byproduct of anxiety.
Hey Freddie K:
I am sorry to read of your unhappy experience. You are the first known case where the method has failed, and I will happily enforce the guarantee. In your case, you can choose a book of equal value or I can reimburse your purchase and shipping costs. Please send me an e-mail confirming your preference, and contact details.
For my own research, I am interested in your wife’s reaction. Can you describe her response to each step?
Actually, I did not buy the book and I didn’t think that you would post it. Sorry.
Freddie, you are a real piece of work. How many men do you think you turned away because of your stupid post.
$7,500 in marriage counselling and got zip.
$10 and one hour later – freedom.
This is fkg incredible.
Dear Mr X.
We would like to order 30 copies of your book for our Men’s group at our Church. Is there a discount available for such quantities?
Hi Roger:
Please reply including your e-mail address, and I will send you a discount code for orders of 25 or more books.
Thanks Mr X. It worked. For the first time in 8 years of marriage where I was suffocating at home with my wifes constant bitter complaints and criticisms, I finally have peace and have time to think. Her changed behavior is a bonus.
Your book is excellent, but I would add that any contentious woman married to the same man for more than 2 years is married to someone who wants to make the marriage work. She should try to meet him half way. If she is married after 4 years, then the guy deserves a medal.
$1,200 in marriage counselling fees and got zip.
$10 and 4 days later, freedom and quiet.
$750 in marriage counsellor fees and got a more angry wife (as if that is possible) after discussing all of the stuff that came up.
$10 and 2 days later, happiness.
Thankx X.
15 hours of marriage counselling (the rev did not charge) and 11 years of hell-in-house, zip.
$10 and 4 days later, peace.
$300 in marriage therapy, wife got worse.
$10 and 1 hour, I got better.
A car, a house, jewelry, and flowers, zip.
$10 and doing the few things that she was complaining about, sex.
You changed my life X.
$500 in marriage counselling, I got blamed for everything, and my wife was emboldened to behave worse.
$10 and one hour later, I finally understand my wife and myself.
2 years of arguments and our relationship is out of control.
7 easy steps later (a friend lent me his book) and I am finally getting a handle on this relationship.
Thanks Mr X.
Dear Mr X,
I have been unemployed for over a year and no longer have a credit card. I am married for 9 years and it was never great, but since losing my job, it is now very bad. Can you help a brother out?
Ben
Dear Ben:
I am sorry to hear of your predicament. Please ask your local library to request a copy of the book and my publisher will dispatch a copy ASAP. If there are no libraries nearby, then reply including your e-mail address and we will sort you out.
Help is on the way my brother.
Mr X, this is one great book. I would like to clear up one issue – when I write her complaints in three columns, should I share them with my wife?
Hi DH:
You may share them if you wish, but it is more important that you actually do the things for which you have the resources, and explain why the other categories of items cannot be addressed immediately.
Hi M X. I can also share a success story. We were going nowhere after 3 years of marriage. I could not take her constant criticisms and she just would not stop complaining. I began to hate coming home to our high stress house.
Your book changed our marriage in 2 weeks. Thank you.
A friend referred me to this site and although I was skeptical, I was also desperate for a change. I cannot tell you how much this book has helped me. It is by far the most helpful book I have ever read. You need to go on the road with this stuff.
Others promised, but only you delivered. This book can help any married couple. Thanks X.
Dear Mister X
We need your help. My Mom and Dad just told my sister and me that they are getting a divorce. can you help us.
Dear David:
I am very sorry to learn of your situation. The only way that I can help you is to get you a copy of my book, and for you to ask your father to read it, for all of your sakes.
All available evidence shows that it can improve any marriage. Therefore, please send me the address or link to your nearest library, and I will have a copy sent to them ASAP. Please do not give up hope.
Mr X.
Dear Mister X
The closest library to us is Goddard Public Library. The address is 201 North Main, Goddard, Kansas, 67052
Thank you.
Mr. X,
I pray that God lead me to your book, I’m a week away from a payday, but need a miricle now, my wife has filed for divorce and has given up on us after 4 years of unhappy marriage. PLEASE help me, is there anyway I can reimburse you for your book on march 2nd and have a PDF version to read and implement now! I need my marriage to change today!
Dear Robert:
My publisher’s policy is to send the book to your nearest public library. Please send the library’s address and my publisher will send them a copy.
Mr X
Thank you Mr X , from your help with me .
Hi Ahmad:
You are very welcome.
Mr X
This book should be read by every man before he gets married. Excellemt advice.
WM
Hi Walid:
I think that few men would benefit from the book before they get married. However, most men should benefit from the book after about 2 years of marriage. I think that every man planning to get a divorce, or making a decision to accept a life sentence of misery, should read the book to improve their situation immediately.
Mr X
I read your book and I can understand how it will work. I wish I had read it earlier, like right after our wedding, but I did not and now I think its too late, She hates me and I can’t stand her and I do not see any of us changing any time soon. We are already separated and divorce seems to be the logical next step. So why write?
I suppose, to give some advice to other men. Dont fuel the fire. Like you said in your book, just walk away. We have said too many unforgiveable things to each other.
Best,
dt
Dear dt:
It is not too late. Please believe me. Once you are both alive, it is never too late.
There is a miracle caled forgiveness, when once it happens, all of the hurtful words that you have spoken to eachother lose their power. Please follow the steps in the book, and do not let your behavious be dependent on er response. You just do your best and watch the closed dead flower come alive and reopen. It is not too late my friend (once you leave a polite response on this forum, I consider you to be a friend of mine).
Mr X.
First I read these comments and wondered why nobody was doing what you said about giving examples, then I bought the book. Now I know why. My wife would be so embarrassed if her uppity friends knew she was an extreme contentious wife. Anyway, thanks for saving my marriage.
I think I will just sign Y.
Hi Y. I did not think of that. It makes sense.
I am happy that I could have been of some help.
Mr X
i need to read this book and likewise my husband, but i am in Nigeria, so how do i get the book. thanks
30ox
Dear Tai:
Sorry for my delayed response. Please send me the address of your nearest library and my publisher will dispatch a copy there.
Mr X.
Dear Mr. X these are related to my husband not me he is becoming agresive day by day every day he comes up with something intolerable and useless he doubts me with anyone my relatives my friends, he is an alchoholic but i tried talking to him and each time he says he will change but nothing seems to be working. he will not even read the book and wil not go to any council with me. i am literally upset it hurts me this behaviour of his trobles me . the hardest thing in life is to prove that you are sincere and when ur wife or husband doubts dat it reallu hurts………………..i feel my marriage is ended coz it is one way i keep tryin to solve thgs bt nt he. can u suggest
Dear Derashine:
The information in the book is only guaranteed to benefit the man who wants his marriage to improve.
From your description, it appears that your husband has not yet reached the point of wanting improvement. Unfortunately, some men, especially those with unhealthy addictions, must reach a state of hopelessness and despair before they are finally ready to meaningfully seek help.
If you want your marriage to improve, then you may have to be patient with him and let him reach rock bottom where there is no other way out but up. This may mean that things will probably get worse before they get better. If you are willing to endure the time of patience and enjoy the benefits of an improved marriage, then you need to plan.
First, he will probably waste the family finances. Therefore, save some money in a safe bank and never touch it while you are together.
Second, confide in a family member or close friend whom you can stay with for at least two weeks if your husband ever gets violent and hits you. The only reason you would use this option is if he hits you, not if he shouts, or breaks things, or does not pay the bills and services are cut off, or does other things to make your life uncomfortable. In his darkest experience, he must remember that you were with him in the good times and bad times – but if he hits you, then he has crossed the line. If you have to leave, then you can then access the money that you had saved.
Third, be prepared to lose everything. Therefore, make copies of important documents and keep them in a safe place outside of the house. Just think – if you could not return to your house for one month, what are the important things that you would need to keep working or living.
Finally, when he is sober and quiet, tell him the following.
1. You love him and you want your marriage to improve.
2. Other couples have had similar problems and overcame them.
3. Things will probably get a lot worse before they get better, but you are willing to go through the worst with him.
4. The information in the book is guaranteed to improve your marriage, and he can read it when he is ready to have an improved marriage.
5. Place a copy of the book and the Bible on a table where he can see it and do not speak of it again.
Here is the most important two steps. Every day, ask God to help you to be patient, and every day, try to help someone else in distress.
Mr X.
According to Hindu mythology, Permathma found that some thing important was missing on this planet. HE borrowed a little beauty from the moon, fetched voice from nightingale and requested fierceness from leopard and then constituted a ‘WOMAN’. Woman is like a branch of a tree; if you want to make her straight ; it would be broken whereas to adopt a woman as a wife; is just like a life imprisonment. So Be careful. But note it Major contribution of a woman is alway behind a successful & unsuccessful person; hence Be Careful.
Can you give me a list of all the Bible verses you refer to in the book?
Can you explain why the book is so expensive? I would expect to pay less than $10 for a booklet of 38 pages.
The first two years of my marriage, my wife hid her contentiousness. Then she became a banshee out of Hell. I lived in a living Hell with her. Still i stuck with her because of my vow before God. When it got so bad I could no longer proceed, the Lord impressed me to forgive her. Years later she apologized for hurting me all these years. So God was doing something in her heart. However, she did not stop arguing, nagging, contending. She is a neurotic fearful health nut that fears everything. So she wants to control her environment and me to avoid those things that she fears. And we are not talking about major issues either. She contends over the piddly things, that wouldn’t even be an issue to a normal man. She makes mountains out of thin air. Oh Mr. X you really think you have the worst case ever? Think again my man! I speak for multitudes who know we have the worst wife ever known to man. Now you Mr. X have a wife that does not admit she is wrong, ever! So do we all. Neither does she think she is contentious. She thinks she is reasonable, at least to us. Actually she really knows she is acting that way, but she won’t admit it publicly. Instead she hides it when friends and family are present. And one time in front of friends and family and God, she became a screaming banshee out of Hell. The friends and family hid in the kitchen, terrified. I kid you not. Later, she said it never happened. Convenient. Now I have come to certain conclusions: 1)God has left her around and has not set me free from her. 2) She is never going to change. 3) It is better living in the wilderness than living with her. 4) A different wife will not improve things, and how many wives would you have to go through to find that soul mate you long for? 5) If I left her, she would be devastated, and the family would consider me a scum dog. So that is not an option, particularly because I vowed before God and man, that to death do us part…So I will give your book a crack. I will have to sneak it, just like you.
Hi Shh:
Relief is in sight for you soon my friend. Let me share some additional insights since writing the book.
I have found that a contentious woman’s attraction to her husband can range from:
100% attraction – like before the wedding and during the honeymoon, down to
80% attraction – like when she observes your ‘bad’ habits that she did not see during her engagement, but hopes that you will change, down to
20% attraction – perhaps after the first year when she realized that there is little change and most of her contentious behaviour can be observed, down to
0% attraction – when she may claim to feel nothing for you (neither attraction nor revulsion) and thinks that she made a mistake in getting married, down to
-20% attraction, or 20% revulsion – where she fees repulsed by your efforts to improve the marriage, down to
-50% attraction, or +50% revulsion – where she is convinced that she made a mistake and just wants out of the marriage, down to
100% revulsion – where she cannot stand to be in the same room with you, and does not want to hear your voice or receive any communication or kindness from you.
Now, every contentious woman goes from 100% attraction to 100% revulsion – perhaps within 5 years of marriage. When she reaches 100% revulsion, you cannot help her – only God can. The good news is that she can go from 100% revulsion to 100% attraction in one simple step. Hold her hands in yours and pray honestly to God. Do not talk to her, but tell God how you feel and what you want God to do to improve your marriage through you. Allow her to see into your heart, because few people can lie to God. Perhaps something like this.
Dear Heavenly Father:
I cannot hide from you or lie to you, because you know what is in my heart and in my mind. God, you know that I love (insert your wife’s name) more than I love myself. I am truly sorry that I have not understood her as much as You want me to. I am truly sorry for disappointing her and not meeting her expectations. Please help me. I want to show her how much I care for her, and how much I am attracted to her. Please guide me in this marriage. Please bless my wife. Keep her in good health, and may everything that she does prosper.
In the name of your Son, our Messiah, Jesus. Amen.
If you mean it, then her stony heart may melt and you can reset the relationship.
X
Dear Mr. X;
Please send a copy of your book to the Abilene Public Library (http://www.abilenetx.com/apl/). The address is 202 Cedar St., Abilene TX 79601. They do not have a copy and cannot find one through their inter-library loan network.
Hopefully Yours,
Mr. B
Hi Mr B.
My publishers informed me that they contacted Mr Dennis Miller at the library, who agreed to receive the book. The book has been sent and is scheduled to arrive on 20 May 2013.
After many many weeks I finally just bought it on a Kindle app and told my wife I had bought a relationship self-help book to explain the Amazon charge she would see on the card. I had tears of hope. I immediately read it and felt very compatible with the strategy.
The next day, my wife told me she doesn’t love me. Reflecting on the book, I soon decided that if true, she could possibly love me again.
The attitude instilled within me by the book made it easy to apply. Improvements were immediate. Arguments avoided. My wife feeling much better. Me feeling like I am doing the right thing and fixing our marriage. She is even becoming less contentious.
After two weeks, I am very optimistic. I even realized I had blamed and never wholly accepted my wife’s personality yet thought I was loving her. This weekend we played games with our 14-year-old daughter who has grown up with horrible yelling. No tension. My wife got silly like a young girl reminding me of the funloving lady I know she deserves to be again. It seems miraculous. She accepted a complement and later a kiss on the forehead as I left for work.
I am hopeful that my marriage will soon better than it ever was. Thank you for making your solution available to me, Mr. X.
Mr. X, I have just today come across your book. I have been married to my wife for 7 years. I knew prior to marring her that she was contentious, however I am a fool. I married her regardless. I have gone through several marriage books and marriage groups through our church, all of which have only managed to put a band-aid on the situation. I have resolved that I will be in this situation for the rest of my married life. I have no intention to divorce my wife. I will be purchasing your book with the hope that the principles applied will help. Thank you for your work
Chad
Hi Chad:
The principles have worked for everyone else, so they should work for you.
X
The best book I have found for handling matters like this is “The Holy Bible” Amen….
I agree. The principles are in the Bible. I understand Solomon’s statement: “Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9). What I have done is to explain how I am able to live happily contented in the house with my very contentious wife.
X
Not only is my wife contentious, she was sexually abused as a little girl, physically abused by her first husband, and her 2 daughters who are 33 and 37 who have 7 children between them were both sexually abuse by their father(my wife’s first husband). I learned about the abuse after we were married by trying to understand why her daughters disliked me so much. I was able to learn from my wife’s younger sister about the abuse from her ex-husband. This infuriated my wife as she told me the situation with her daughters and her ex was a “Private Matter”. Oh…my wife also has an Anger management problem, any little thing will set her off. I have found that I cannot talk to her about “certain things” namely her daughters without experiencing her wrath!. We have been together for 10 years and I am about to make a move. Oh…I did not mention…1 year after we were married, she had a heart attack…the Doctors told her that if I had not brought her in to the hospital when I did, she would have had a “Major-Cardiac Infarction”…”:Your husband saved your life” they told her. Even with this, the anger continues and her daughters are mere younger versions of her.
If I had know this before I asked for her hand. She hid this information from me about all of the abuse stating “It is a Private Matter”. I know God changes things, however, I have been praying for an answer for years! And what I am now hearing from the Lord is to….leave. I have a right to happiness. It is almost as if the marriage was founded on deceit. I still love her, but I have to love myself more, as I just don’t feel appreciated by her or her daughters. It is really a mess.
Dear Rinehart:
Your letter touched me. I thought that my situation was the worst any man could endure, but I think that you must now wear that crown. My highest commendation for staying is such an environment for a decade.
I am sure that if you followed the principles in the book that you will improve. But I do not know about your marriage. If your marriage improves, then you need to write a book, because you now wear the crown.
I know my limitations, so I asked my friend who is an expert on anything to do with love to give me an opinion. I have extracted a relevant section of his e-mail and pasted it below. I wish you well my friend.
X
————————————————————————–
My opinion on this hypothetical case is that Rinehart needs encouragement. While your experience can help him, he needs encouragement from his wife.
Her anger, and her blocking any discussion about her and her daughters’ abuse, by claiming it to be a “private matter”, appears to be a symptom of guilt rather than one of only shame. Perhaps she thought that she could have done something to avoid being abused, both as a child and an adult. Perhaps she thought that she could have done something to prevent her daughters from being abused. Perhaps her daughters thought that they could have done something to avoid being abused, or to prevent the other from being abused. We can only speculate.
The longer she keeps this issue in the dark, the longer she allows hypothetical ‘what if’ situations to play out in her mind causing her intense emotional pain. Rinehart’s questions may force her to relive this pain and to confront her hypothetical contributory role in the abuse. So she chooses to avoid it altogether by angrily shutting down the discussion.
She needs to be free from the guilt inducing ‘what if’ scenarios that torment her. Therefore, she needs to hear that she is not responsible for what happened, regardless of the tangled web of ‘what if’ scenarios that burdens her. The fault lies entirely with the abuser. Her daughters need to hear the same thing. They need to forgive themselves and each-other for whatever they think that they could have done but did not. They also need to forgive their abusers for their own sakes.
They need to hear that it is over, they survived, they are loved, and they are accepted. They need to see themselves not as victims who constantly regret not prevented something, but as survivors who can confidently say that that it is over.
I think that Rinehart needs to stay. If he leaves now, then it may reinforce in their minds that they will never be accepted and loved once the truth is known about their past. He needs to tell them that he will always accept them regardless of what happened. I think that once she feels that his acceptance of her is permanent, that she will choose to love him.
They should both review the responses on Love is a Promise and then choose to love each other.
[X’ note: Grenville is referring to http://loveisapromise.wordpress.com/]
A good marriage counsellor can review this opinion and facilitate the process.
Best regards, and keep up the good work.
Grenville
From Rinehart,
Both daughters and my wife have seemed to have forgiven their father and her ex husband for his abuse. It amazes me how the daughters put their father on a pedestal in light of the experience with him. Having some background in abnormal psychology I see this scenario as text book The abused begins to worship or idolize the abuser…Textbook! I am happy they have seemed to forgiven an abuser, a pedifile, however, to put him on a pedestal while I am now the abused, disliked, disrespected–while not to my face, but by comments they make to my wife, has pretty much soured me to remaining in a marriage which sees me as the “fixer” and most spiritually based of them all. I have a daughter from a previous marriage who I raised as a single parent. She is very loving and is my favorite fan. I think more about doing for her, but am continuously distracted by the abnormal behavior of my spouse and her daughters. I cannot stop thinking of the “7” children these two young women are raising. My wife remains the backbone for them(even after “2” heart attacks) and they manipulate her by playing the guilt card and the “child card”. It gets my wife every time. My wife cannot seem to understand that when she is “played or manipulated” I am also being played and manipulated by two young women who don’t really like me or appreciate what I have done for their mother! I am beginning to think more of my mental health and my own survival and that of my own daughter. I believe, to coin the cliché, we come into people’s lives for A Reason, A Season or A Lifetime…I believe that I was put into the lives of these women for A Reason—however, I believe it has also been for A Season and not a Lifetime. I have been praying to God for a sign, and to speak to my heart about this matter for years! What I am getting now is…it is time to leave….I have had enough!….Amen
Hi Rinehart:
The following actions suggest that all is not forgiven.
a) she still gets angry when you bring up the subject.
b) she still considers the issue a “private matter” – even private from you, her husband of 10 years.
c) “playing the guilt card” is still working.
I agree that we can come into people’s lives for a reason and a season. However, we should come into a family’s life for a lifetime.
You said that you love her. Please consider giving her a chance to love you back. Share the following link with her and ask her if she wants your relationship to be supported by the solid foundation of love. After investing so much in your marriage, it may be that a new beginning for both of you is just around the corner.
Best regards,
Grenville
Hello mr. X,
This is my second marriage, as is my husband. He tells me I am contentious when I am trying to only conversate with him. I feel hurt when he says I am contentious, because we have been married for six months and we don’t live in the same home, he is not wanting to move cause of how he and former wife had issues. So I try to plead my cause and he runs away from me and won’t answer his phone until it’s time to go to church. So i am left feeling used cause he married me and now don’t want to be a husband to me.
Tomeika, why did he marry you? Was it love or lust? Not living in the same house, not being able to talk to each other to resolve this issue, not caring enough to make things better are all RED FLAGS for a doomed marriage, in my opinion. The conflict between the Spiritual being and the natural being is a constant phenomenon. The spiritual will always win out, even if you have to get away from each other. Sometimes the other person in the relationship may not be the “right” person for you. This does not make them a bad person, they are just not “good enough” for you!
When I married for the third time, my gut told me no, my mind told me maybe, but the spirit told me no also. I did it anyway…it has been an emotional roller coaster for the past 10 years! If I had to do it over, I would have listened to my gut and my spirit. While I believe God put me in this relationship for a reason-which has been made clear to me…I believe that what he wanted me to do has been done. I actually saved my wife’s life(her words) only to be disliked by her “dependent” daughters who are 33 and 37 years old with 7 children between the two of them. When I married their mother there was 1 child, now there are 7. My wife told me she raised her daughters to be “dependent” yes…dependent–I told her, you don’t raise children to be dependent, you raise them to be independent because they need to take care of themselves and will always need you for something. In addition, I would tell her that she did a marvelous job because they depend on her emotionally and financially. They all–including my wife–forget one thing….I am in the picture now!
I wish you God’s blessing…ask him to speak to your heart — as I am doing. Sometimes the people you want to be with are not the right people for you. They are not bad, just not good enough for you.
Peace!
Hi Tomekia:
Did he tell you before you married him that he would not be moving in with you? Does he plan to move in with you later?
If the answer to both of these questions is no, then he is one strange guy. However, I have learnt that they are at least 2 storys to every story.
Have you discussed this with your Church pastor?
X
Here are a few verses you really need to look at:
Pro 15:18
A wrathful man stirreth up strife but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
Pro 16:28
A froward man soweth strife: H4066 and a whisperer separateth chief friends.
Pro 22:24
Make no friendship with an angry baal (husband); and with a furious man thou shalt not go.
Pro 24:8
He that deviseth to do evil shall be called a mischievous person.
Pro 26:21
As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.
Pro 29:22
An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious baal (husband) aboundeth in transgression.
Notice that the specific word for husband (baal) is used. Boy, men sure like to focus on the contentious woman, but the contentious man verses outnumber them. A lot of times, women are so-called contentious because the man is a big mama’s boy who refuses to grown up!
Sooner or later I expected that their would be a comment from an unhappy woman! No solution just venting against men! WOW! Will it ever end?
And what’s your solution? You’re on here complaining that your wife is a contentious woman. Yet, you clearly said that her anger issues stem from sexual abuse as a child and physical abuse from an ex-husband. In other words, her contentions are because of men who act very much like the verses that I quoted. If her anger is misplaced toward you, I am sorry that you have to endure that, but that does not negate what I said. If a woman expresses unhappiness with her husband’s behavior or gets angry, a lot of religious men whip out the contentious women verses without looking at themselves or verses that clearly apply to male anger issues. Women aren’t allowed to express anger or complain without being accused of nagging in our society even if they are in the right. I am trying to put the focus on male behavior for a change. That does not mean that women don’t exist who are verbally or even physically abusive. However, we live in a society where it is considered normal even sanctioned for men to express anger and aggression while women are condemned for it. That said, a lot of women end up in hospital emergency rooms because of the contentious man while most men complain about their contentious wife nagging them or complaining about them all the time. Plain and simple, it’s the anger of men that is a real problem most of the time.
I agree with you! I believe the answer is in the word for men and women. I can only speak from my own experience as I am sure most people responding on this site are doing the same. I am seeking experiences in resolving situations like this from men. I suspect that the men who respond to this site are doing the same. I don’t see this site as a political forum on spousal abuse, just a place to air out, ,vent, reconcile, learn and understand. God bless you and help resolve your personal situation….
Dear SilverEyes:
I agree that there are contentious men. I suppose that women who marry such men will suffer as much as men who marry contentious women.
I do not know what advice to give to a woman who is married to a contentious man since I am not contentious. However, I am married to a contentious woman and have learnt to be happily contented with her. I am here to show men that there is a better alternative to enduring a life-sentence of misery, or divorce.
X
SilverEyes, I applaud your courage and strength…I believe that God is with us always. I believe God can change things, anything! I also believe that God puts us in situations to be used by him. God also wants us to be happy, joyful and loving! A lot of people don’t realize the power of words. We are taught as little children “sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words will never hurt me”. A brilliantly taught psychological state to protect our children from succumbing
to psychological wounding or damage from the most powerful, non-physical weapons we possess
as caring, feeling, emotional human beings. Why is he/she contentious? Do I understand why?
God gives us tests, projects, assignments…If we are spiritual enough, we will see this. However, God wants us to be happy too! We deserve it! So…is living with a contentious man/woman a test, project or assignment to complete or is it they way my life is just going to be? Do good in everyway, help as many people as you can, Love your spouse and children. Protect them help them and pray for them. Remember–“but of all these things LOVE!” We must ask GOD to help us! Listen to him, meditate on the word and pray for patience. Everything is in God’s time, not our time. Amen
I have not read your book, but from the replies you are getting it prompts the man to just walk away from his wife when she is being contentious.
My wife has said things to me many times that hurt very deeply and I become frustrated and end up trying to express myself and become loud trying to get her to understand that what she is saying and accusing me of is not true.
I have walked away from her only to then be accused of being unloving and not loving her when she needs me to love her most and being told how I need to love her.
Walking away has done nothing but cause a greater amount of pain and brought even more accusations and judgmental responses from her.
It is so painful to be accused of things that are not true because by the one person you have given your whole heart to, of her insecurities brought on by what others in her past may have said or done to her and or the worlds view of what I beautiful attractive woman should look like.
I know the LORD allows things to happen to prove our love toward him but I have never cursed him for what has gone on in my life.
So why does he allow the same thing to happen over and over again? WHY!
You need to read the book.
I wish I had the answer for that and if I did I would bottle it and make millions. You are not alone, just practice not to react to her anger if you want to stay in the marriage.
followed the book. didn’t help. now she’s filed for divorce. how do i get my money back from the money back guarantee?
Dear Disappointed:
Her filing for divorce shows that she is serious. Your reaction should be to continue following the Steps. If she finalises it, then let me know and the publisher will reimburse you.
X
Follow the scripture…maybe you can resolve the matter outside of marriage…If not…you have a right to happiness!
Haven’t gone through all the comments but a wife who is contentious and jealous is the ultimate killer combo. Jealousy was not addressed in your book. Also while your book is great, life can be more complicated, like crazy ex-husbands, and the unhealthy cycle of marriage and re-marriage. (I don’t recommend marrying a woman who is divorced)
Most of all, I need to study what you have written and see if it lines up with Scripture. I commend you for taking at least a stand, which church leadership seems to have relinquished these days .
Dear Kevin:
If the husband cheated, then she can justify her contentious and jealous actions. However, if she has no reason to suspect infidelity, then her jealousy may be a symptom of her low self-esteem coupled with fear. Perhaps she feels that she is aging faster and fears that he will abandon her. A wise husband will try to demonstratively reassure his wife. However, if she cannot be placated, then contentious and jealous is a distressing (for the husband) combination.
X
Enjoyed your book. Married for 28 years to a contentious woman. Turns out that there is borderline personality disorder galloping through my wife’s family. Her father and older brother are horribly contentious as well. I actually was encouraged by my pastor to try a similar approach to the one you describe in your book. It was back when I first got married. But my wife not only would have nothing to do with my disengagement, she would chase me down, sometimes following me in her car just to continue yelling at me in a restaurant or store.
She was absolutely without symptoms for the 18 months we dated. Friends, family and church members noticed the change within weeks of our return from our honeymoon. For me, it was day one. I was driving too fast (3 miles over the speed limit), or parked in the wrong parking spot, or ordered the wrong thing in a restaurant, not for her, my order was somehow wrong.
She would lie to counselors, and men, pastors are the worst counselors. They are unfamiliar with many of the disorders and are too immature often to weigh the evidence before pronouncing judgement. I have been threatened with violence by one misguided pastor, and excommunication by two others. Sooner or later my wife admits that she is the one perpetrating the physical attacks and abuse. However, for some reason these same pastors never threaten my wife with excommunication.
That the evangelical church is led by pastors with double-standards is no shocker. That many women and men go their entire lives without being properly diagnosed and treated for borderline personality disorder and attachment disorder, etc. is absurd these days.
At fifty my wife’s delusions increased to the point that she no longer attempted to hide the events from the kids or friends. My wife’s best friend, and her sister-in-law said they are tired of hearing the stories she make up about me to make me look bad. Her sister-in-law has experienced the same thing from my wife’s older brother.
Don’t get tripped up on the gender here, if your spouse is delusional, is masterful at hatred and manipulation, and unwilling to get help, you may have to separate or divorce. Evil is evil. It can be treated but it can’t be excused. And its is on me for not acting against this evil for so many decades.
It has already infected one daughter.
An easy read and very easy to understand. I finished the book this morning and tonight I went out to get some things at the store and when I came back she was in a foul mood and tossed a box out of my office that she wanted put in the garage. I remembered the step, refuse to argue, I calmly picked up the box and took it to the garage, came back and asked if there was anything else she wanted put away and she calmed right down and I did not lose my temper and refused to argue. There is of course much more work to do, but it seems I may be on the right path. Thank you for writing this book and looking forward to a less contentious wife.
Dear Franco:
Well done. Keep practicing.
X
Thank you Mr. X for writing this book. I just read it and can’t wait to implement it. I do have a few questions just. As far as striving to appease one’s wife:
What if she urges you to do things that are against your conscience? Namely, since being married for over two years, she’s recently insisted on smoking weed (she says to help her sleep). I’ve gotten it for her and I’ve partaken too, and it surely does nothing to improve our marriage or my walk with the LORD. We’ve ran out and she’s pressuring me to get more. We can afford it, and she gets kinda bored of it as I do after a few days. Your thoughts? Thank you
Dear AB:
Sorry about this delayed response – I was incredibly busy. Consider asking her to weigh the consequences.
If it is illegal where you live, then ask her whether her having it is worth the risk of you getting caught, and what would she do if you did.
If it is legal, and she needs it for sleep, then explain the harm of smoking (smoke should not be in anyone’s lungs). Ask her to consider having some in tea before she goes to bed.
X
Hello Mr. X, How are things doing with you and your contentious wife? Has the relationship stayed stable?
Dear Anonymous:
It remains stable, with the peaks not much different from the troughs. I keep habitually doing my best because that is all that I can do. I have accepted that my best may never be accepted, but whether it is or is not, I find genuine happiness in doing my best regardless of her reaction.
Sometimes I find myself hoping that the woman I dated, married and enjoyed a honeymoon with would return. But I have accepted that she may never return because, perhaps, she was never really there. Ah well, back to work.
X
Very wise outlook and thank you.
Dear Mr. X — I have to tell you that your little book saved my sanity, the marriage has gotten a lot better, what has changed is that she does not get as angry as she used to, but when she does she regrets it very much and the outbursts are less than before.
… what does contentious even mean? You’ve used it so many times in this and I still have no idea what you’re even referring to.
Look it up in the dictionary or do a Google search for the meaning of contentious, it pretty well sums it up.